I’m a big believer these days in the power of no.
What we decide to say “no” to in relationships is often as important what we say yes to.
And I’ve seen thousands of women saying yes to all the wrong things, like men who say “I’m not sure about us” – men for whom they wait months and years in the self-torturing hope they’ll change their minds.
I even had a woman recently say to me, “He says he’s trying to choose between me and another woman. Should I wait for an answer? Or should I move on?”
Seriously? Wait for an answer? Screw that.
It’s time to say no to being undervalued forever,
One of my favourite quotes says: “If you put a small value on yourself, rest assured the world will not raise your price.”
So if you’re still hanging on that “one guy,” I need, need, need you to watch this. It may just be the biggest wake-up call you’ll ever get..
Ending a Relationship – Cruel to Be Kind?
To end a relationship is a big decision, worsened by that heart-sinking feeling of knowing you have to tell them. The actual thought of breaking the news to your soon-to-be-ex can make you feel anxious, even terrified. Sometimes it seems easier to continue with what isn’t working than to ‘upset the applecart’. But if the relationship isn’t right for you, then, ultimately, it’s not right for them either, and the longer an unfulfilling relationship continues, the less chance we have of finding better, happier relationships.
I don’t think the café assassin meant to be cruel. I think she panicked and it all went wrong. At least her partner heard it from her first. Instant messaging, texts, and those newfangled telephones make keeping secrets harder than in previous centuries. So tell no one (or a very few trusted people) before you break the news. Hearing it on the grapevine from a third party is pretty gruesome.
It may seem impossible to end the relationship and keep your partner’s dignity intact, but it isn’t. First, here are some practical do’s and don’ts. Then we’ll talk about how to handle your emotions during the break-up.
How to End a Relationship in Style
Ending a relationship is never going to be pain-free, but here are some very practical ways to lessen the pain:
Step 1: Tell your partner you need to talk to them. Don’t let them think that you are planning a nice intimate afternoon, only for them to be hit by a bombshell. (“Fancy going to the café?”!) Do this as close to the actual date and time as possible. It’s unfair to leave them stewing for longer than necessary.
Always end the relationship in person. Phone calls, texts, emails, or getting other people to tell them are unkind and cowardly ways of breaking up, unless you fear violence from your partner.
Step 2: Make sure you will not be disturbed by interruptions by arranging to break the news in private. If they do become emotional, it can be embarrassing to have any strangers around, even if it’s in a quiet park. (I for one don’t want to hear someone else breaking up again.)
Choose a neutral place rather than somewhere you share; perhaps a friend’s apartment when they are out. Avoid breaking up with them in a place that has past romantic associations for the two of you.
Step 3: Avoid ending the relationship during a row or when highly emotional. This just sends the signal that it was said “in the heat of the moment” and perhaps you didn’t mean it.
By ending the relationship calmly and clearly, you convey you’re serious, that it’s definitely over.
Step 4: Don’t be swayed by their emotional response. If they become upset it may be tempting to try to comfort them or even tell them that you didn’t mean it just to stop them from hurting. Don’t send mixed messages. This will make it more painful in the long-term.
Step 5: Avoid blaming your partner or criticizing them. Talk about the relationship as if it is an object outside of you both. “It has stopped working” is better than “you have stopped bothering with me” or “you never say anything nice!” Keep language as non-emotional as possible. Keep the word “you” out of it as much as possible. Express regret that things didn’t work out. And remember, if things are wrong for you, then they too could actually have a better relationship if released from this one.
Step 6: Avoid clichés. No one wants to hear: “It’s not you, it’s me!” or “You’re really nice, but…” or “We can still be friends” (you may be, but now is not the time to discuss that). Nor does anyone want platitudes like: “You’re bound to meet someone really special who is more right for you than I am…” Just stick to the facts of the matter.
Step 7: Now the above steps are all good and well, but if you are so overwhelmed with anxiety when actually ending the relationship that sensible advice flies out the window, then something else needs to happen. You need to prepare your emotions, to be calm and clear. Being too emotional “swamps” the thinking brain, making it harder to talk and think clearly.
If you were going to do a play, you wouldn’t expect not to rehearse! Likewise, the more you rehearse in your mind, whilst very relaxed, telling your partner it’s over, the easier it’s going to be to find yourself naturally feeling calm when you actually do it.